How would you respond?

What I’ve been noticing lately..
Old friend/acquaintance I haven’t seen in a while: “How come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Me: “..uhh I dunno..”

Or “You’re so pretty, I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend!”

Or the best is “Are you tied down yet?” Followed up with “Why not?”

Sometimes if I’m in a blunt mood I’ll respond with “I’m crazy”,
Or if I’m in a silly mood I’ll say “boys are stupid”.
Most of the time I just smile and shrug my shoulders

However, when I think about this question, I get a little offended.

I realize that life happens and most people end up pairing up, but it seems as if it’s the only way/goal of life. With these types of questions, it comes off as if you’re a weirdo or something’s wrong with you if you’re still single and hitting 30’s.

A beef I have about the “pretty” comment is that just because you’re pretty doesn’t directly correlate to being in a relationship. As if it’s the only factor that counts. I realize it’s meant to be a compliment of sorts, but it’s a carelessly contrived one.
If I had a boyfriend to every time I’ve heard that statement, I could’ve had 5 boyfriends by now =P

Especially during the holiday season,(Merry Christmas by the way!) us folks (single and/or with BPD) are even more sensitive than usual. It would be nice if those who surround us with love would be careful with questions and comments. Maybe you can ask about our latest project or any new hobbies we’re pursuing. And those of us on the flip side don’t have to be quick to anger, defensive, or jump to conclusions.

Not wanting to sound preach-y, but I hope we can all be loving and open to one another this lovely Christmas season.

Cinderelly, cinderelly

There are only a few things that really motivate me to get out of bed.
1. Friends
2. Work
3. Feeding my cat

I don’t have that much trouble getting started on workdays. For the most part, work is tolerable and I’ve got to make money to pay the bills!

Weekends are another story. Because of the lack of scheduled time, I may end up staying in bed into the late morning or early afternoon. While most people may not see any fault in this, it becomes a terrible habit when I have the laundry piling up, chores and cleaning to do. [Even as I write this, I have clean laundry to put away.]
It’s a vicious cycle where I procrastinate, become exhausted when I do too many things, and let it all pile up again.

I’ve been working on spreading out my errands through the week.
It’s been a conscientious effort to do something each day so on the weekends it’s not a ginormous cleaning day.

This week and today was semi successful.

I really don’t know how my mother did it! Kudos to her for keeping a clean house, taking care of us kids, and cooking on top of it all. Kudos to all moms!!

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Wake me up when Sept ends

Fall is here! The other day I wore a long sleeve tshirt, my friend borrowed my hoodie and I brought out my comforter. Usually I welcome fall with gladness. My birthday is during this season, I enjoy the nice crisp air and wearing my cute coats.

However this year I don’t feel the same. I need another month of summer! I feel like my grieving and depression devoured spring and part of my summer and so I wasn’t able to take full advantage of enjoying the weather. (There were a lot of weekends spent in bed) I also ended up getting a tan way too late!

I don’t look forward to fall this time because I am turning the big 3-0. Originally I had no qualms with turning a new decade, but as the date approaches, I feel the clock ticking. Not my biological clock but my achievement/goal clock. My “what have I done with my life?!” clock. It’s hard not to compare with others or not be so tough on myself.

In my new upcoming year, I vow to keep on pursuing my passions of dance and music even though I’m scared and anxious about putting myself out there. I vow to keep job and apt searching for the right opportunities. I vow not to give up on therapy and continuing to do things that make me happy.

I also vow to keep writing posts! 😉

Other reasons I’m afraid of the change of seasons are the winter hibernation weight gain and possible depression returning. Anyone out there experience Seasonal Affective Disorder? What do you do to prepare or manage it?

Time rolls on. I don’t want to waste any of it.

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Guess who?!

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I’m the baby!

Are people naturally born happy? I wonder if a happy baby grows up to be a happy person?

Or perhaps it has nothing to do with genetics. Maybe some people learned to adapt to stressors well and are able to roll with the punches.

It’s the age old “nature versus nurture” debate.

As modern science has taught us, it must be a combination of both genetics and experience that influence a person’s emotional being.

I envy the people that wake up every morning smiling and sailing through the day with a positive attitude.
For me on the other hand, it feels like I’m riding an emotional roller coaster; constantly gauging and re-checking how I’m feeling.

Since I’ve started DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), it’s been a slow learning curve putting skills into practice and its been difficult!! There definitely have been times where I just wanted to give up, but I know it might just leave me worse off. It’s been hard examining my emotions and not letting myself be carried away by them.

My prompting thought in writing this post was wanting my meds to give me “happiness”. I wanted to just wake up happy! But happiness doesn’t come from popping pills, it comes from doing activities you enjoy, spending time with loved ones, making sure you’re taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual body. It’s a lot of time and hard work!

I hope we all can take time to do whatever it is that will make us happy regardless of whether we have an emotional dysregulation or not. Cheers!

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Mean girls

What is it about human nature that we long to belong and yet want to stand out? To be unique but not excommunicated?

Or is one better than the other?

Where would you stand? If you had the choice to make a difference in the world, to be the creative, but be lonely and misunderstood, which would you choose?

Often times, I’ve found myself in these similar situations. In my younger years, I longed to be part of the cool crowd (or what I presumed to be), to hang out with my ethnic crowd. But it never felt like an exact fit. To justify my feeling of jealousy, I told myself to take pride and even arrogance that my group of friends were diverse, at times loud and youthfully crazy. I told myself that I was better than the others because I was able to be friends with a variety of backgrounds.

I still don’t think I’ve come to full terms with embracing my heritage and culture. (Which I think has a lot to do with the above particular example….and another post in itself!)

Another simple example is fashion. I try very hard not to follow the fads; I take comfort in knowing that I’m not a “slave” to the magazines and mannequins. I believe my style is to wear timeless pieces that endure most seasons. Again trying to balance being unique/classy without following the crowd.

Walking a fine line of conformity and making a name for yourself is tiring and confusing. Maybe it is time to choose..

Mini-me’s

Sometimes I wonder why people want to have children. I was watching the news last week and there was a special clip about a couple who after failed attempts to have children, tried artificial insemination, surrogacy, and adoption; all with no success. They ultimately ended up volunteering at a children’s hospital as clowns. (Yeah, I know… eeks, clowns)

But that got me thinking, what is it that makes people want to have (their own) children so badly?
With so many unwanted babies in the world, why not adopt?
Oh I want to pass on my genes, pass on my family name. Really? You think your genes are that good and perfect? How vain are you? And what exactly are you passing down to your progeny? It’s not like we’re in the Middle Ages passing on our property and riches down to the next generation.

Personally I wouldn’t want another burgeoning version of me floating around.

With all that’s going in the world, how is it even safe to raise a child? Whether it’s carcinogenic plastic bottles or food filled with junk and sugar, it’s simply mind-blowing that there are healthy kids around.
I think about the personal and social responsibility one has once a parent. I would be terrified, thinking each negative response or experience could traumatize my child.

I had a co-worker once ask me if I wanted kids, and I responded, “no”. And he said that I was selfish. I jokingly replied “the earth is already overpopulated”. Funny aside, I took high offense to his criticism of my being selfish not wanting to have kids. I think it’s very responsible of me.
It takes a great deal to be a parent and an even bigger person to be a great parent.

It’s not just about raising a cute little boy or girl. It’s about giving life and properly teaching a human being that will impact society somehow!

I think a lot of people step into parenthood not knowing the huge burden it can be. I’m not saying there isn’t a beautiful payoff. But it’s a huge risk! Financially, time-wise, mentally, emotionally, physically, the list goes on.. Logically it doesn’t make sense, but I suppose life isn’t logical is it?

The whole thing boggles.

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Looking for my CatMan

Monday afternoon on Facebook, my friend posted this article: “The many cases for getting married younger” by Megan McArdle.

And I have to say upon my initial read;  I was highly offended, very upset and angry by it, and I couldn’t wait to vent and post about it on WP!  Even the title made me boiling mad! However, after a couple of hours had gone by and I read it a second time (more like skimming) without my lenses of ‘fury’,  I could understand the points that Ms. McArdle makes. I do plan on counter-arguing some of them though (just based on my life experiences).

First off, this article was way too long! For an online article scrolling through on my iPhone, it took me almost 10 minutes to read. I’m just guestimating but my personal preference for reading a long article is a hard-copy version. If I’m going to read an article online, it should be straight to the point, quick and easy on the eyes. The author makes valid points, but there’s just too much information and facts/data/statistics and I caught myself skimming through passages and getting impatient.

The author writes that women should start looking for potential spouses in their college years instead of waiting 5-10 years after because of the vast amount of potential single men to select from and to avoid fertility problems. While I would say this is true, that still doesn’t mean you may find your long-term match. I was very close to marrying my college boyfriend, but I probably would have gotten divorced 2 years later. While I am very glad to see that some people do end up marrying and staying with their college bf/gf’s, the early 20’s can be so confusing. People are still figuring what major/career they want to pursue and discovering their identity. For most, it’s their first time away from parents and learning to live by themselves and other people. I think it makes sense to learn how to be an adult with responsibilities before considering marriage or any serious long-term relationship. It just seems silly to take away from the college and growing up experience by adding on pressure by trying to find your partner before its “too late”.

Education and career are highly emphasized by my family and culture and I found dating during college to be time and mind-consuming. I didn’t start dating until one half into my junior year, and from then on, I saw my grades fluctuate and drop. If a woman is serious about looking for a potential partner, how can she dedicate sufficient amount of time to do that while trying to advance her education? Isn’t that the entire reason of going to college? We shouldn’t see it as a meat market but as a place to grow minds.

As to the fertility problem potential, well that’s just tough noogies. That’s for each woman to decide and risk.  And I’m pretty sure for any educated woman, she knows the dangers and risks for being pregnant at a later age. But to each their own, how can society condone a personal decision like that?

I know for me and my single female friends, we would love to have been married earlier (I’ll be turning 30 this year). I didn’t just date around for the fun of it. For most relationships I was in, I was serious and committed. However, they just didn’t work out, wasn’t a good match, and/or had my heart broken. So for me this article was a slap in the face, as if she was telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough to find my life partner because I was focused on my studies and trying to mature as a person. (maybe I’m just taking the article the wrong way but hey this is my opinion and feeling!)

BTW, this article mentions a lot of other things that I didn’t even touch upon including low-income, single families, pregnancy before marriage, etc. Too much to address in this post, but send me some feedback/comments if you can make it through the article!! No bashing please, this post is just my opinion and based on my experience!

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Ode to Kitty

These days, my only consistent source of joy is my cat. Her name is Kitty (I know, so original!) and she is the love of my life 🙂 She enjoys waking me up 5 min (or more) before the alarm which makes me awfully grumpy, but she loves cuddling with me at night in bed.  She makes for a nice companion to snuggle with during the winter!

Now I go gaga when I see dogs but cats are in a class of their own. I believe it’s their quiet beauty and inner peace that they seem to have that I’m so attracted to.  Sometimes I think they hold the secret to looking so cool and zen, and maintaining their independent spirit. And maybe that’s what I’m drawn to as well.

There’s no other feeling like petting your cat until she closes her eyes and purrs in contentment. Maybe it’s similar to rocking a newborn to sleep.

I’m not sure where my love for cats came from. The only interaction I had with cats as a little kid was going to my aunt and uncle’s house. I would excitedly look under all the beds, nooks and crannies to find their 2 fat cats. They weren’t even that friendly.

But I had an internal insistence to bond with them.

What is it about humans and our connection to pets/animals? Do cat and dog lovers experience the same type of joy or peace with their respective animals?

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basking in the sunshine!

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Picking up after myself

Right now, my place is a complete pigsty. It has been building up for the past 2 weeks. The sink is full of dishes, my clothes, mail, and shopping bags are all over my floor. I’m stepping around my living room like a hoarder. (FYI, I’m not one!) oh and I really need to take out the recycling.

I’m not sure if it’s the depression or pure laziness preventing me from going about tidying my apartment. But I am filled with disgust at myself every time I leave and enter my place. And yet I don’t have the willpower or motivation to get around to cleaning.

I know I should try breaking up the tasks so it’s not overwhelming. I know I should just start somewhere.

I’ll get to it soon I suppose. But for now my cat is laying on my backside and I’m watching House..

EDIT* thanks to my best friend, we finally cleaned 60% of my mess on 6/8 (sat) at 11pm. special shout out to her for washing my dishes, pots, and pans.  She truly saw the disgusting at its utmost worst. I might have to consider getting a cleaning lady every once in a while but I don’t want to feel like a spoiled brat =P

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