Wake me up when Sept ends

Fall is here! The other day I wore a long sleeve tshirt, my friend borrowed my hoodie and I brought out my comforter. Usually I welcome fall with gladness. My birthday is during this season, I enjoy the nice crisp air and wearing my cute coats.

However this year I don’t feel the same. I need another month of summer! I feel like my grieving and depression devoured spring and part of my summer and so I wasn’t able to take full advantage of enjoying the weather. (There were a lot of weekends spent in bed) I also ended up getting a tan way too late!

I don’t look forward to fall this time because I am turning the big 3-0. Originally I had no qualms with turning a new decade, but as the date approaches, I feel the clock ticking. Not my biological clock but my achievement/goal clock. My “what have I done with my life?!” clock. It’s hard not to compare with others or not be so tough on myself.

In my new upcoming year, I vow to keep on pursuing my passions of dance and music even though I’m scared and anxious about putting myself out there. I vow to keep job and apt searching for the right opportunities. I vow not to give up on therapy and continuing to do things that make me happy.

I also vow to keep writing posts! 😉

Other reasons I’m afraid of the change of seasons are the winter hibernation weight gain and possible depression returning. Anyone out there experience Seasonal Affective Disorder? What do you do to prepare or manage it?

Time rolls on. I don’t want to waste any of it.

Guess who?!

I’m the baby!

Are people naturally born happy? I wonder if a happy baby grows up to be a happy person?

Or perhaps it has nothing to do with genetics. Maybe some people learned to adapt to stressors well and are able to roll with the punches.

It’s the age old “nature versus nurture” debate.

As modern science has taught us, it must be a combination of both genetics and experience that influence a person’s emotional being.

I envy the people that wake up every morning smiling and sailing through the day with a positive attitude.
For me on the other hand, it feels like I’m riding an emotional roller coaster; constantly gauging and re-checking how I’m feeling.

Since I’ve started DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), it’s been a slow learning curve putting skills into practice and its been difficult!! There definitely have been times where I just wanted to give up, but I know it might just leave me worse off. It’s been hard examining my emotions and not letting myself be carried away by them.

My prompting thought in writing this post was wanting my meds to give me “happiness”. I wanted to just wake up happy! But happiness doesn’t come from popping pills, it comes from doing activities you enjoy, spending time with loved ones, making sure you’re taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual body. It’s a lot of time and hard work!

I hope we all can take time to do whatever it is that will make us happy regardless of whether we have an emotional dysregulation or not. Cheers!

Picking up after myself

Right now, my place is a complete pigsty. It has been building up for the past 2 weeks. The sink is full of dishes, my clothes, mail, and shopping bags are all over my floor. I’m stepping around my living room like a hoarder. (FYI, I’m not one!) oh and I really need to take out the recycling.

I’m not sure if it’s the depression or pure laziness preventing me from going about tidying my apartment. But I am filled with disgust at myself every time I leave and enter my place. And yet I don’t have the willpower or motivation to get around to cleaning.

I know I should try breaking up the tasks so it’s not overwhelming. I know I should just start somewhere.

I’ll get to it soon I suppose. But for now my cat is laying on my backside and I’m watching House..

EDIT* thanks to my best friend, we finally cleaned 60% of my mess on 6/8 (sat) at 11pm. special shout out to her for washing my dishes, pots, and pans.  She truly saw the disgusting at its utmost worst. I might have to consider getting a cleaning lady every once in a while but I don’t want to feel like a spoiled brat =P